LIST OF 12 PEOPLE THAT WE ALL HATE

In today’s society, I think we will all admit that our congeniality towards our fellow human is often not where it should be. Too often there is road rage or shouting and arguing towards our fellow Earth mates. However, with that said, here is a list of the top 12 people we all hate. If you know or see one of these people, slap them very hard immediately. If you are one of these people, stop it all already for crying out loud, you are a butthead.


1) Drive up to front of long line and then cut you off guy – Why is your time more important than mine. Get your butt in line like everyone else. It should be legal for every car that was previously waiting to take a turn and smash this dude!

2) Cell phone in a movie guy – Let’s see, they tell you before the movie starts, you have been to the movies before, what part of turn your cell phone off don’t you understand. If you are that stupid, please just stay at home and rent a movie where you can be on the cell phone all movie long if you like.

3) Guy with more items at the cash register then the “6 items max” – Moron it is not around 6, it is 6 items MAX. 12 is not close enough. I wish just once the cashier would say “excuse me dufis but what six items here are you getting.”

4) Guy who takes your parking lot space after you have been sitting there with the turn signal on for 5 minutes – Dude, I know you saw my signal and you know this is my spot, get out of that car and you will be keyed for sure.

5) Guy who whistles or hums as they walk – While nice that you are in such a gleeful mood, keep your sounds inside of you. Unless you coach sports or are a little girl, there is no reason to whistle or hum!

6) Guy who chews with their mouth open while eating – Shut your trapper when eating. I saw what you were eating before you chucked it in your mouth, I don’t have to see you try to digest it. Scratching on a chalk board sounds better than someone who smacks when they eat!

7) Guy who licks their fingers to the bone while eating – I don’t want to hear you slurping your B’Bque ribs over your grubby fingers. Last I checked we were a civilized society. Use a napkin like everyone around you, you freak.

8) Fat guy who takes up more then one seat on an airplane but won’t buy two – I would prefer not to sit on your lap thank you and if I am going to, I darn well better be paid for a lap dance. Either mix in a salad every one in a while or buy two seats, your call.

9) Guy that shouts obscenities from the upper deck at a sports stadium – Um the players can’t hear you. In fact the only people that can hear you sit right by you and we all think you are an a..hole.

10) Grocery cart guy who is too lazy to walk the 20 feet to a cart stall – Instead this lazy butt perches the cart on the nearest curb and drives away quickly so the cart won’t hit their car but rather the next one that arrives - lazy, inconsiderate terd.

11) Guy at Fast Food restaurant taking order for their whole office - And of course this is the most complicated order possible. Hold the ketchup, no lettuce, this one toasted. It is fast food for a reason. When you are behind one guy in line you expect it to move quickly. Tell your lazy friends to come join you for lunch or call ahead.

12) Motorcycle guy who drives down the middle of the white line between cars - Wouldn’t it be great if someone would thrust with all might their door open with perfect timing as to send the motorcyclist flying. Of course some how in our soft society, the car driver would get sued but boy would that be fun to watch!

Latrine Lackey Does Not Merit Tipping

So here I was last night dining on a fine slab a cow and washing it down with a few adult beverages, when it became time to use the facilities. I was treating myself to a more upscale eatery because I had a good month on the job. As I entered the commode, I was greeted from a finely dressed gent who mentioned he was here to assist me and if I needed any assistance to let him know. Now this is not the first time I have been greeted in the lavatory in such a manner but it got me to thinking, what in the heck do I need with a latrine lackey. “No thanks,” I said, “I have been doing this a long time now and I am quite good at it.” I know in this tight economy we all need a little extra cash but what the heck would ever possess one to apply for this job? And why did anyone ever deem that this was a service that I needed. Are there people dining in fancy restaurants that are having trouble going to the bathroom, washing their hands, and then drying them afterwards? Yes I know that there is a large population of people that don’t wash their hoofs after using the facilities, this would merit a whole separate discussion, but this is not my point here! Get out of the bathroom and please let me do my business myself thank you. So upon completion, and after I said I did not need his exemplary services, he preceded to turn on the water for me and then offered me a towel to dry my hands. Of course this unsolicited assistance was deemed to merit a gratuitous tip which I was not disposed to part with – so I didn’t and this was followed with a comment about my dearth of tipping. I informed the fine gent that I am a very good tipper for a service that is warranted and frankly asked for. The turning on of the water and giving me a towel, while very kind, in no fashion constituted a cause for a tip other then maybe a verbal one to get a real job! How do you apply for a job like this? What is your title? And honestly, who is the imbecile that determined that this service was needed?

Later in the evening, I needed to use the facilities again but I decided to hold it in until I could find a commode that was bereft of happy helpers. I mirthfully tipped 20% to the waitress who did a fantastic job and used the McDonalds down the street where I peacefully went to the bathroom all by myself.